From Feeling Useless to Recognising Your Value: Breaking Free from Inherited Thought Patterns
We often carry beliefs about ourselves that we've unknowingly inherited from our family and culture. These beliefs can shape our self-image in profound ways, sometimes leading us to feel useless or unworthy. But what if we could break free from these limiting thought patterns and recognise our true value?
In a recent coaching session, my client shared her journey from feeling useless to discovering her inherent worth. Her story illustrates how we can challenge the thoughts we've borrowed from others and develop new, empowering ways of thinking.
My client’s (let’s call her Sarah) relationship with her mother played a significant role in shaping her self-perception. She explained, "Mom is always right" - a belief that led her to internalise her mother's critical comments. When faced with challenges, like being a stay-at-home mom of four children, Sarah's brain would offer the thought "I'm useless," echoing her mother's concerns about her employability.
This thought pattern had real consequences. Sarah shared, "I'd stop looking for work because I thought; fair enough, you’re right. It doesn't make any sense." She found herself neglecting self-care, saying, "self-care was pretty much at the end of the list because all this time, I put the children first."
However, Sarah's story doesn't end there. She realised, "I haven't learned how to approve of myself. I just crack on with what feels good and make the decisions about what feels good." This awareness was the first step towards change.
So how can we, like Sarah, shift from feeling useless to recognising our value?
Question inherited beliefs: Ask yourself if the thoughts you have about yourself truly reflect your own values and experiences, or if they're borrowed from family or cultural expectations.
Practice self-approval: A daily practice of writing down five things to praise yourself for. This simple act can help retrain your brain to focus on your accomplishments and positive qualities.
Recognise your intrinsic value: Your worth isn't determined by your productivity or others' approval. Sarah realised, "I did do the full-time mom thing. Although it was scary as hell. And I did get through it."
Set healthy boundaries: Sarah learned to be selective about what she shares with her mother, protecting herself from unnecessary negativity.
Find supportive influences: Sarah found validation from a supportive boss, which helped her see her own worth. While external validation feels good, the goal is to internalise this positive self-perception.
During the session, I pointed out to Sarah, " It sounds like your Mom loves you very much. And it sounds like she worries about you." Understanding this can help us approach difficult relationships with more compassion, both for ourselves and others.
The benefits of this shift in thinking are profound. Sarah found that when she believed in her own value, she began to "walk taller, dress better. I take care of myself. Take time for myself. Be healthy." She learned to prioritise her needs and let go of perfectionism.
Remember, as emphasised, "You get to make it mean whatever you want." Our thoughts create our reality, so choosing thoughts that serve us better can lead to a more fulfilling life.
Developing new ways of thinking for ourselves is a journey, but it's one that leads to greater self-acceptance, improved self-care, and a stronger sense of self-worth. By questioning inherited beliefs and consciously choosing thoughts that align with our true selves, we can move from feeling useless to recognising and embracing our inherent value.
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