How to set a boundary
In 2017 I left a relationship which involved also leaving a three bed house. Most of my belongings went into storage, my daughter decided to get a place with friends, I rented a room from a friend, and my dog went on a holiday to my sister. I really missed him and wanted him home with me back in Brighton.
My friend had a dog too and our dogs had been friends over the years. The time came when I felt settled in my new room and told my friends I was going to bring Hedge back to Brighton and relieve my sister of him. She said ‘ok’ and that was that. Or so I thought.
Over the next couple of weeks the atmosphere became decidedly frosty until my friend, who remember had said yes to having my dog in her home, exploded at me. She told me she’d agreed to have me as a lodger because I was single and quiet and reliable and that I’d broken my agreement with her by bringing the dog home. She was laying down the boundary there and then and standing up for herself. Wait, what?? This was news to me. She’d said ‘ok’ when I had told her I was bringing the dog? That meant yes, right? Not only that but she knew my dog well and over the past 8 years (no short amount of time) we’d walked miles over the countryside with our dogs together.
Our long standing friendship of almost 20 years ended there and then. I was heartbroken. I’d lost a friend, felt deeply shamed and blamed and knew then that I had to pack up and move home again, and immediately.
I’m going to teach you a way that you can create a boundary that comes from love
In this post I’m going to teach you a way that you can create a boundary that comes from love for yourself and allows the other person to be who they are without you needing to control or manipulate them or yourself.
What happened with my friend is not uncommon. I know this kind of thing has happened to you too. You’ve been in a situation with someone you know, a partner, a friend, a colleague and you’ve said yes to something when really you meant no, only to stew and fester over it until eventually exploding under the headline of sticking up for yourself. Am I right?
A boundary is only required when there’s been a violation. This is how we let people know they’ve crossed a boundary; by telling them. If we don't let someone know that they’ve crossed the line, or are about to cross the line, we have to expect that they will be confused if we explode at them for doing something they had no idea was a problem.
If we think about our homes, they are a boundary. If someone comes in uninvited that boundary has been violated. Oftentimes a boundary doesn’t need stating. I have a boundary about not being hit for instance, but I don't go around saying ‘Hey, don’t hit me because if you do that I’m going to call the police!’ It’s just a given.
We often think that standing up for ourselves is a way of setting a boundary. It often looks like this. We tell ourselves that the other person shouldn't be doing the thing they’re doing and that thought makes us feel angry. This feeling then drives the action of us standing up for ourselves and results in us not behaving in a way that is congruent with our values. Moreover, we show up in a way that is aligned with the very thing we are wanting the other person to stop doing.
We need to get good at saying no, at setting boundaries well so that we can say yes more often to the things that we really want in our lives.
Why does setting boundaries properly matter so much?
We are often afraid of saying no because of the false and unhelpful belief system that ‘they won't like me’ (or some version of this) if we say no. Instead of saying no to someone and setting a boundary we often tell a lie in an effort to control what the other person may or may not think about us.
Whilst we think that this is a way to be fair and kind to everyone involved (trying to meet everyone’s needs) ironically it’s the best way to set ourselves up for a boundary violation, because we are saying yes, when really we mean no. This is what happened in the case with my friend and the dog. She said Yes, when really she meant No. So it was confusing when she eventually exploded. If someone says Yes to me I generally take that to mean yes!
Most of us have been setting boundaries incorrectly and not because we’re bad people but because we haven’t known the proper way to set boundaries before. We’ve been convinced that a boundary looks like telling the other person ‘no’ or ‘stop doing that’ and then losing our shit, telling them how they should behave and some combinations of withdrawing from them both physically and emotionally, abandoning the relationship, complaining when they don't comply and telling all our friends how terrible they are for not doing what we asked them to do.
As an alternative we could get to a place where we are choosing to say no. When we say yes but really mean no we are actually choosing to say yes to the thing we don't want.
Some of the things we tell ourselves are;
‘I can’t say no to that. It wouldn’t be fair’
‘He might not like me anymore
‘She’ll be pissed off at me if I say no’
‘I don't have a choice. I’m being forced in to this’
‘I’ll be alone’ (this particular thought kept me in a relationship for longer than was good for either person in that relationship. It created a feeling of fear for me and kept me perpetually in a place where I wasn’t showing up for myself and my values.)
A boundary is the best way to practice self-care and is a great way of honouring ourselves and our personal values. A boundary is not created for another person. If we haven’t created a clear boundary the other people won’t know where it is, as happened with the dog. If we are clear within ourselves about what we’ll expose ourselves to and what we stand for then setting a boundary becomes easy.
When we know where our own boundaries are and are willing to say no, then we show up with respect for ourselves. This is how a boundary can come from love and create empowerment. Once we’ve established the boundary for ourselves then we can let other people know it when necessary, without it being such a big deal. We can approach it from the perspective of simply giving them information.
How do we set a boundary?
Until now we’ve been taught that a boundary is a straight forward no, but there’s a bit more to it than that. A boundary only requires establishing when it’s been violated, and it consists of two parts; a request, followed up by a consequence. What you want the other person to stop doing (I don't want the dog to be living in my house) and what you’ll do if they carry on (if he stays I’m going to ask you to leave)
We make a request to the other person to stop doing the thing you want them to stop doing ‘Please can you remove your dog from my home?’
We tell the other person the consequence, what we will do, if they continue to do the thing we want them to stop doing ‘If the dog has to be with then I’m going to ask you to move out’
We commit to the consequence from a place of love.
The beauty of setting boundaries in this way is that you get what you want, no questions, and the other person gets to be who they are without you trying to control them into being someone who they are not. I made a video about it here too.
You are allowed to say no to anything you want. No is always an option that is available for us. We don't ever have to say yes when we mean no and you never have to give an explanation of why you’re saying no, and you can do it with love. This is the ultimate in self-care. What the other person in the relationship thinks of you because you say no is not your business, and nothing that you can control.. What is your business is taking responsibility for your own personal emotional safety and well being and you do this by setting a boundary in this way that you now know.
‘You can make decisions from love, and then you become empowered’ Brooke Castillo
I wish to this day that my friend had loved herself enough to say no to me when I told her I was bringing the dog back from my sisters. Sure, I’d have felt upset if she’d said no. I liked living with her. I might even have made it mean that she didn’t love me or that she didn’t care about me. But the dog and I would have moved out knowing that she had made the right choice for herself, that she’d valued our friendship enough to be honest and that ultimately she did care that having my dog with me mattered to me. Instead I moved out hurriedly, without saying goodbye and leaving a friendship behind. What I lost in a friendship I learned about a boundary for myself; that if someone yells at me then I’m not sticking around. I’m not sticking around because I have respect for myself and the way I want to be treated and I decided that I’ll put myself first in any situation so that I can send that message to the rest of the world; that I’m worth being treated with kindness, respect and love.
And so, my love, are you.
What next?
Head over here and watch my free training ‘How to Feel Safe’ which includes a whole section on boundary setting, and then I’d love to spend an hour with you in a free consultation session. It’s 60mins of 1-2-1 time where we get to look at the places in your life that you want to get solutions to and we get you in a place where you can see the possibility of a solution. I’ll see you there.
