How to Replace Self-Criticism with Self-Compassion and Confidence

Imagine being in a place where you’re constantly setting the bar so high that, even as you achieve more and more, it never feels like enough. This endless striving, often coupled with self-criticism, can take a heavy toll on our confidence and well-being. One of my clients, Tom, came to coaching with similar feelings. Through our sessions, Tom learned to use self-compassion techniques, and a powerful tool called *The Model*—a self-coaching method that helps you see how thoughts lead to feelings, actions, and ultimately, results. By shifting perspective and adopting new ways of thinking, Tom transformed his approach to self-compassion, study, and personal achievements.

If you’ve ever found yourself over-analysing or doubting your capabilities, join me as we journey through Tom’s transformation and discover practical ways to use *The Model* to build confidence and self-trust. We’ll explore methods for overcoming self-criticism to help you transform self-doubt.

Recognizing Self-Criticism Patterns

When Tom began his coaching journey, he was consumed by a cycle of self-criticism. Despite his achievements, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he could always “do more.” This mindset, while motivating on one level, often led him into feelings of guilt and self-judgement after exams or projects, as he would dwell on what he perceived as mistakes.

Tom’s thought pattern around exams created a cycle of self-criticism that was holding him back. When faced with an exam, his thought would often be, “I could have done more,” which left him feeling guilty. This guilt led to actions like over-analysing, critiquing, and judging himself, which only reinforced feelings of inadequacy and lowered his confidence. By using The Model, the main tool we work with in coaching sessions, Tom was able to recognise that his self-critical pattern stemmed from his thoughts. Addressing these thoughts allowed him to shift how he felt and reacted, leading to a more positive outcome.

Steps to Achieve a Better Relationship with Yourself

Step 1 - Using The Model for Transformation

The Model is based on the idea that everything in the world fits into one of five categories. It is the way the world works and looks like this; 

Circumstances - The facts of the world and our lives, that we would all agree upon and are neutral.

Thoughts - The interpretations or beliefs we form about the circumstances.

Feelings - The emotions that our thoughts create.

Actions - The behaviours or actions we take based on those feelings.

Results - The outcome produced by our actions, often reinforcing the original thought.

When Tom examined his thoughts about his exam performance, he noticed they often led to a feeling of guilt. This guilt drove him to critique his performance harshly, leading to a result that reinforced his self-judgement. He was unknowingly keeping himself stuck in a loop of self-doubt and discouragement.

The beauty of *The Model* is that once you identify an unhelpful thought, you can replace it with one that serves you better. Tom wanted to feel prepared, motivated, and confident for his exams and life goals. To do this, we worked on developing thoughts that would create these feelings.

Step 2 - Choosing New Thoughts to Drive Empowering Actions

Identify the Circumstance - Begin by looking at a neutral fact in your life. For Tom, this was “I have an exam.”

Examine Your Thoughts - Notice your immediate thoughts about this circumstance. Are they helpful, or do they make you feel stressed or self-critical? Tom's initial thought, “I could have done more,” was unhelpful and led to feelings of guilt.

As we examine the unexamined thought we become aware of the feelings, actions and results that the it creates. This awareness is crucial if we are to create change in our lives and a required step before we move on to a new way of thinking.

Choose an Empowering Thought - Replace the unhelpful thought with one that promotes confidence. Tom chose the thought, “I did everything I could to prepare.” This new thought was both true and empowering.

Feel the Difference - Notice how your new thought makes you feel. tom felt motivated and focused, which allowed him to approach his exams with confidence rather than fear.

Take Supportive Actions  - Allow your feelings to guide you into constructive actions. tom's actions became more intentional—he developed study guides, used tutoring resources, and collaborated with a friend to reinforce his learning.

Observe the Result - See how your actions, driven by a new feeling, create a positive result. tom’s result was a newfound confidence and calm before his exams, allowing him to perform at his best.

Step 3 - Building Self-Compassion Through Reflection

One major shift Tom made was learning to replace self-criticism with self-compassion. He learned that reflection didn’t have to be an exercise in critiquing everything he did wrong. Instead, it could be a way to celebrate his effort and growth.

If you’re often hard on yourself, consider the following reflection approach:

Acknowledge Your Wins - Write down three things that went well after an event or project.

Practice Self-Compassion - Instead of fixating on perceived mistakes, focus on what you learned and what you did well.

Set Balanced Goals - Acknowledge the effort you put in and set realistic goals for next time, rather than aiming for perfection.

Step 4 - Applying The Model Beyond Exams

Tom realised he could apply *The Model* to other areas of his life, including relationships, career decisions, and personal development. For example, in moments when he felt overwhelmed by life’s uncertainties, he practised reframing his thoughts to create a more peaceful and accepting outlook.

By embracing thoughts that promoted self-kindness, Tom began to see himself as someone who could handle challenges without self-judgement. This shift in thinking opened up possibilities he hadn’t considered before, like taking a gap year to gain work experience or applying to a broader range of law schools without fear of “failure.”

Transforming Self-Doubt into Self-Belief

Using *The Model* helped Tom break free from perfectionism and embrace a healthier, more empowering mindset. By understanding how his thoughts influenced his feelings, actions, and results, he took control of his inner dialogue, allowing self-compassion and confidence to flourish.

If you, too, find yourself trapped in cycles of self-doubt or criticism, try using *The Model* as your guide. It’s a simple, practical tool that can transform the way you approach your goals, helping you build the self-trust and resilience needed to thrive.

Ready to transform your thinking? Let *The Model* show you how to move from self-criticism to self-belief—one thought at a time.