How to Stop Seeking Reassurance and Start Feeling Valued in Your Relationships
Feeling overlooked or unsure of your worth? Learn how to stop seeking reassurance from others and start building real confidence from within.
Why We Seek Reassurance, and Why It Doesn’t Work
So many of us look to our partners, family, or friends for validation. We want to feel seen, loved, and important. When we get that validation—whether it’s a hug, a kind word, or a simple check-in - it feels amazing. But when we don’t? That’s when the spiral begins.
I recently worked with a client, Jane, who experienced this firsthand. One morning, her husband cuddled her in bed, something he hadn’t done in a while. It felt incredible. She thought, “He still loves me.” That thought filled her with energy and positivity for the day.
But then the next morning came, and there was no cuddle. And her brain immediately went to: “He doesn’t love me anymore.” The exact opposite of the day before.
The truth is, it wasn’t the cuddle making her feel amazing—it was her thought about the cuddle. And when the cuddle wasn’t there, her thoughts took a turn that made her feel rejected.
This is the trap of seeking reassurance from others. When we rely on external actions to make us feel valued, we give away our power.
Finding clarity begins with understanding your own thoughts.
The Thought That Creates Your Feelings
Jane’s experience was a perfect example of how our thoughts—not other people’s actions—create our feelings.
When her husband cuddled her, she thought:
🧠 “He still loves me.” → ❤️ She felt amazing.
When her husband didn’t cuddle her, she thought:
🧠 “He doesn’t love me anymore.” → 💔 She felt rejected.
But her husband was just… lying in bed cuddling her. Nothing about his actions actually changed her value or his love for her. The only thing that changed was what her brain decided to make it mean.
When we realise that our feelings come from our thoughts—not from what other people do or don’t do—it gives us back our power. Because if it’s a thought creating pain, then we can change the thought.
Love isn’t measured by moments of affection—it’s shaped by what we believe.
When You Don’t Get the Reassurance You Expect
Another place where Jane struggled with this was in her relationship dynamic with her husband and daughter. Whenever her husband called home while he was away, he would ask Jane how her day was… and then immediately say, “Is our daughter there? Can I talk to her?”
Jane’s brain latched onto this as proof that she had slipped down the priority list. That she wasn’t as important anymore.
She believed the thought “I’ve gone down in the pecking order.”, and felt rejected.
But was that true?
I shared my own story with Jane. When my daughter was little, I made the decision to never interfere in her relationship with her dad—even though we were separated and even though he wasn’t always present. There were times when he hadn’t seen her for months, and then he’d show up, arms open, and she’d run to him like a long-lost hero. Meanwhile, I had been doing everything for her in his absence.
And I had thoughts like:
“She loves him more than me.”
“I do all the hard work, and he gets all the love.”
And they felt awful.
But they weren’t true. She didn’t love me any less—she just loved him too. I learned that I had to separate his actions from my worth.
Jane’s situation was the same. Her husband greeting their daughter with excitement didn’t mean he loved Jane any less. But as long as her brain was telling her she was being pushed aside, that’s how she would feel.
How to Stop Seeking Reassurance and Build Internal Validation
So, how do you stop relying on others to make you feel valued? Here are four strategies that I gave Jane that can help you, too:
1. Find Evidence of Love Beyond the Obvious
Jane realised that her husband showed love in many ways beyond physical affection—like providing for their family, checking in on her, and being present.
Action step:
Every day, write down three ways people show love for you that aren’t direct words or physical gestures. Over time, this retrains your brain to see love even when it doesn’t show up exactly how you expect it.
2. Reframe the Thought: “I Have Equal Value Here”
Instead of thinking “I need reassurance to feel valued,” Jane practiced replacing it with “I have equal value in this relationship, no matter what.”
I told her about the time I carried a little red notebook everywhere I went, filled with better feeling thoughts. These were thoughts I was redirecting my brain towards thinking. Whenever self-doubt crept in, I’d pull it out and remind myself: “I matter.” That simple act helped me retrain my thoughts.
Action step:
Write down a new belief about your worth and keep it somewhere visible. Repeat it to yourself daily.
3. Let Go of Control Over Others’ Feelings
Jane also struggled when a friend told her she had been “too much” at a social event.
At first, she thought:
“I embarrassed her. I’m in trouble.” → She felt guilty and small.
But embarrassment is a feeling that comes from a thought. Her friend’s embarrassment wasn’t caused by Jane—it was caused by whatever thought she had.
I reminded Jane: “You can’t control what others think about you. You can only control what you think about you.”
Action step:
When you catch yourself worrying about someone else’s reaction, pause and ask: “What else could be true about me?” and “I wonder what the other person is believing that is making them feel that way?” Be curious.
4. Anchor Yourself in Self-Worth, Not Approval
I told Jane about how, when my daughter was little, she would sometimes tell me she loved her dad more.
Ouch, right?
But I knew that my love and value as a mother weren’t defined by those fleeting moments. And now? As an adult, she’s sent me postcards from every country she visits as she’s travelling, telling me how much she misses me.
The proof of your worth isn’t always instant. But it’s there.
Action step:
When you feel undervalued, remind yourself: “The love I give will come back to me in ways I can’t even imagine yet.”
Your worth as a parent isn’t always visible—but it’s always real.
Conclusion: Your Worth Is Inherent, Not Earned
Reassurance feels good in the moment, but it isn’t a sustainable way to feel valued. The real shift happens when you stop waiting for proof that you matter—and start knowing that you do.
So next time you feel unseen or unimportant, try this:
Pause. Notice what thought your brain is offering.
Challenge it. Ask, “Is this really true?”
Choose better. Find a thought that serves you instead.
The more you trust yourself, the less you’ll need external validation. And that? That is true freedom.
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